what to do

i sit around nowadays, wondering what to do with myself. i've cut all my ties, burned many bridges, and am living as some sort of refugee from real lfe in my parents' apartment. it's embarassing to try and fail so many times at something that should be relatively simple: get up, don't ruin own life, avoid selling your possessions on a consistent basis.

i get sick of how some people pat themsleves on the back for not being able to stay clean or be ANOTHER BRICK IN THE CORPORATE WALL, MAN. but slipping between the cracks and barely making ends meet is just as much of a lazy, asshole, narcissist cop out. being a drug addict sucks. it's the result of bad ideas, and unfortunately, thinking you're way too cool for WAY too long. i don't feel sorry for myself for anything that has happened, i made stupid decisons that were immature and selfish at best and completely retarded at worst.

i don't know where this is going exactly.

there are so many things i want to do now that i have little to no personal freedom. having no keys, no money, and having to report to your mother again makes one think about everything that they could do. in the span of a day i've contemplated getting my guitar back, learning to drive, learning to paint, riding my bike from my old apartment to here, learning to draft, and volunteering at the SPCA. in six months i will have accomplished none of this. !!!!!!!

maybe i should travel. i'm in my twenties, let the tour of the world begin. i am entitled, i am half white and from a middle class background and did my hard time in one semester of college.

i think i want to go somewhere but don't know if travelling is like some sickness that makes you think you're world weathered because you stayed in a hostel in malaysia with a bunch of other white college students flying in on jumbo jets.

i think this is when the "maybe you should just get a job" sign should start flickering in my head.