in the past year, i have gone through:
6 changes of "home"
1 residential detox
2 psych wards
at least 7 jobs
2 heartbreaks
2x jail
2x court
4 relapses
and 1 death
i look at where i am now, and see a sort of lull. i am on the verge of having a stable place to live and i am engaged. i am not in tears every day, i am not being evicted due to my life resembling an episode of COPS, i am relatively clean and sober, and i keep to semi-normal sleep patterns.
i no longer sleep once every two days. i am no longer alone and for the most part, completely miserable. i have marks, ugly marks, on my body that serve as timelines:
attempts to be dead, attempts to disappear via drugs, infections from said drugs, attempts to stay in hospital forever because they provided free food and lots of hugs/free slippers.
but i'm still only 18. it is my birthday soon, and i will celebrate it hopefully clean and sober. without my best friend, and most likely without any of my friends - because i haven't seen anyone since leaving hospital in july. with my fiancee, and with my family. i will not complete some tired death pact i made in winter. i will not make anyone cry, and i will hopefully remember what happened in the next year - because i don't remember what happened at my last birthday. or if i even had one.
none of this matters, it is basically me cataloging the events that have led me to today, ten fifty five at night, on the verge of something. i can feel it. at some sort of crossroads. go back, go forward. change/don't change. chin up, forget the past. or head in hands remember EVERYTHING.
a lot of my life has been secret. from everybody. in the past few months the last five years of my life have been acknowledged, admitted to, put into the light. most of it due to the complete loss of everything that happened after iseult died. no more need for secrets. a sort of 12 step plan: confess to your wrongdoings and you will be free. repent before you go out so you can get into heaven. and i did. i still do. in my own fingers crossed hand to kitten jesus way. there is still so much for me to tell everyone. having not seen any of my dearly missed friends has left a lot up in the air. how everyone's doing, what else i've hidden, what has happened since i dropped off the face of the real world.
i am ok. for today, i am ok. yesterday, no. a week ago, definitely no. but today i am doing well. i will go to bed at some sort of decent hour, wake up and have my gatorade/coffee breakfast and take metamucil beacuse i have become hell bent on getting every toxic chemical i put into my body OUT of my body on a daily basis via fibre and prayer to whichever god watches over unemployed ex-crack and heroin addicts.
this is a lesson for everyone. no matter how bad things are, on your good days, take metamucil, watch purple rain, and go to bed before the sun is up. count your blessings and apologize to your family.
but don't write about it on the internet, it's kind of gay.
