over a year

i haven't written in this in over a year. i guess it's now or never. not really.

anways, my life is changing far too fast for me to even attempt to understand. in the past week i have lost my apartment, my two cats, most of my money, and my fiancee.

it was so typical it was pretty much a yet to be written my so called life episode. fiancee growing sick of the kind of life that involves selling all possessions and eating at food banks, money gone to a relapse that left him so thin it was kind of not even charming in a teenage heroin chic fantasy way that suburban kids dream about in junior high. i didn't want to lose him, i wish i could take everything back and not consistently fuck up any hope of me being with him. but sometimes it seems sadly impossible.

i have given up on trying to make sense of anything anymore. there was no warning that this would happen, really. i thought i could trot along as usual, try to hold everything together, try to scrounge money and pay rent and live from day to day. but i can understand that not everyone wants to live that way. that pat had to open a door and jump ship. not to say i'm without anger or complete grief about him leaving. it is hard for me to wrap my tiny brain around the fact that someone who was living with me, as my partner, in a shared apartment, with his head on my shoulder on friday could leave me without even a phone call by saturday mid-afternoon. HOW COULD SOMEONE DO MEAN THINGS TO ME? :(

all this commotion is making my stomach hurt, making me sweat constantly, pick my fingers, curl my toes. it stops for a minute and i have a panic attack. it's either too fast or too slow.

for now i am trying to take some advice for once and just let go. not try to grab frantically at the memory of me and pat. not try to scramble my words over the phone in attempts to convince him that this can work, please don't leave, please just can we go back to the apartment i'll move my stuff in by tomorrow i'm different i understand now i swear to god I CAN CHANGE.

they say complicated grief involves the inability to let go, open yourself up to complete mourning and pain. like grasping at straws. i think i've always had some of that. i'm attempting to let go of all that bullshit. hopefully this time around it works. i picture myself opening up my shirt and having a dozen white doves followed by a unicorn fly out and then a rainbow fall out of my chest and into the sky. that's my image of letting go.

he is gone. there is no relationship. it is over. i am alone. there are clothes to be sorted and things to get done around here. i can't just sit on my ass and cry for the rest of my human life. as much as i'd really and truly like to at this point. there are rainbows that need to be rainbowed.